4RealWomen

Setting boundaries keeps superwomen alive.

The biggest complaint I hear from professional women is that they don't have enough time and energy to meet all their obligations, much less have time for themselves.

As the superwomen we are, we give our time and energy to running our business, nurturing our family, supporting professional organizations and contributing to our community.

Many of us struggle with putting ourselves first because we see it as being selfish and nonsupportive.

One way to start reclaiming your time and rebuilding your energy reserves is to set boundaries. Think of the last time you flew on a plane. The stewardess instructed you to use the oxygen mask on yourself first and on your children second so you can be alert and prepared to deal with any adversities. By the same token, you need to take care of yourself first in your daily life.

Boundaries are lines of protection that you draw around your time and energy. You decide what is OK and then you hold yourself and others to those boundaries. Following are essential ingredients for setting effective boundaries:

1. Decide how you want to use your time and energy for your best results. Start paying attention to how you use your time and energy and try different methods to find those that work best for you. Ask yourself questions like, "Do I work best by..."

Having uninterrupted blocks of time?
Taking time to plan and fully understand a task before I begin working on it?
Scheduling time for exercise and daily down time?

2. Be confident in your choice. Be aware of your body language and how you send that message to others. Do you look down? Mumble? Fidget? Challenge yourself to hold your shoulders back, stand up straight and make direct eye contact.

3. Remain "charge neutral" at all times. When you are setting a boundary it is critical that your voice has a neutral tone. With a negative tone, your message gets lost and so does your boundary.

Gently and clearly draw your line in the sand.

4. Don't assume that others know how you want to use your time and energy. Be willing to teach others how to respect your boundaries. As change takes time, be patient with yourself and with others.

Be sure that your message is clear without going into long explanations and ask for their agreement. For example: "I don't have time right now to work on that issue. I have time at 3 p.m. to meet with you. Does that work for you?"

By asking for their agreement, you will uncover hidden issues such as, "I have a client holding on the phone for this information, so it can't wait until 3 p.m."

5. Get comfortable with saying "No" and sticking to it. Be prepared for others to push your boundary and be prepared to say "no" as many times and in as many ways as it takes.

For example, you want to discuss an issue with a co-worker at a later time and the other person insists that you deal with it now. First, be sure that the issue can wait, then draw your line. They may come back with a response like, "But it will only take five minutes."

Draw your line: "I understand that it may only take five minutes, but I need to finish my project now." Repeat as many times as necessary.

Once your boundary is set, you'll save that time many times over in the future.

6. Avoid confrontations by making "I" or "me" statements rather than "you" or "we" statements. You can only speak for yourself. Rather than saying "You always make us late for meetings," you could say, "It is important for me to be on time for meetings."

7. Avoid confrontations by offering choices. Offering choices is a proven sales technique for getting the result you want. You can apply this technique to your boundaries. For example, you could say, "I can meet with you to work on this issue at 3 p.m. or 4 p.m. Which time works best for you?

8. In the face of confrontation, acknowledge their position. Just as you set your boundaries and request that others respect them, you need to acknowledge and respect that others have their own ways of doing things. If you are faced with confrontation, first acknowledge the other person's position, then state your own boundary.

For example, if you are working with a know-it-all who insists their approach is best, say, "Thanks for sharing, I can understand how that approach has worked well for you. I've tried many methods and this approach works best for me."

9. Deliver your message and let it go. Understand that you are not responsible for how others react to your message. Keep your eye on your objective -- protecting your time and energy. Trust that others will adjust to your boundaries in their own time.

Melinda Condray, owner of Coaching for Success in Cockeysville, can be reached at (410) 628-2722 or twocond@aol.com.